It Was In Middle America...

Sort of. Does Northern Wisconsin count as Middle America?

Once Ashley and I met a Murderer. A serial Murderer. Not a serial killer, a serial Murderer. They are more dangerous, trust me. We were on the ferry boat, headed to Madeline Island. We were drinking a beer, and we noticed the queer man in the car ahead of us. (not queer like Glee, queer like really f'ing weird.) He kept looking at us. He had funny glasses, and a lot of Gear in his car. I mean, really a lot of Gear for one queer man. So at first I was all "He wants our beer" but we soon smartened up (I thin kwe smacked ourselves in the head and said "Smarten up, Us!" and realized what he wanted was US. No, not like that. Like, he wanted to Murder us. In a bad way. That's what all the gear was for! Murder Gear! He brought all his Murder Gear on the ferry boat so that he could Murder us!

His name was Kevin. We didn't ask him that, because generally we don't speak to Murderers, but it was clear that his name was Kevin. You just had to look at him and his dumb glasses to know that his name was Kevin.

We made it off the boat alive...(I drove while sitting as far under the seat as I could..I didn't know what Murder tool he was going to use, it could have been a gun or a hook or something) and Ashley laid across the back seat with a blanket over her. Well, actually it wasn't a blanket because we are never that prepared, it was actually 24 used McDonald's napkins that she unfolded and spread across her body.

So we drove quickly to the house, parking under a cover of trees and foliage. That's right, foliage. We booked it into the house and discussed how lucky we were to be still alive.

Due to other topics of conversation such as the price of tea in China, the Summer Olympics, and midgets related to how Ashley hates Small Things, we soon forgot about the Murderer. We hid our ugly the best we could and proceeded out for the night. We were driving on South Shore Road listening to Montgomery Gentry or maybe it was "Krammit The Frog" when we saw a beam of light. It was getting larger and closer as we drove. (duh) Ashley screamed "IT'S KEVIN!!!!!" she was right! It WAS Kevin..on a bike! With a headlamp! And a bag of Murder tools in his bike basket! COMING TO MURDER US!! With his tools! Luckily he didn't see us. (he apparently isn't a Murderer with very good attention to detail.) We donned disguises...OK, they weren't disguises but we did put on sweatshirts...and tried to enjoy our night knowing that Kevin was waiting for us at the house with his Murder tools, because the last thing a girl wants is to let a Murderer ruin your last night alive.

We cautiously drove back to the house at the end of the evening. I suggested driving the vehicle INTO the house so that we wouldn't have to risk running all willy-nilly through the dark to the house. (and Lord knows I've done it before...) but we vetoed that idea when we remembered that my grandparents lived there, and even though they would be kind and understanding when they heard that we were simply protecting ourselves from a MURDERER, it would probably cost a lot to repair. So we were forced to run. We didn't do it willy-nilly style, though, we did it James Bond style, with the help of trees. Ashley started, holding her fake gun (because you kind of have to when you're playing James Bond Junior) and hid behind a tree. She looked left, looked right, motioned to me, and as I headed for that tree, she headed for the next one. We repeated this until we safely arrived at the front steps. There are a lot of trees up there, so this took 45 minutes.

After a thorough search of the house, we determined that Kevin must have built himself some sort of forest shelter, where he lays in wait and eats squirrels.

I think he's still there, because we have not seen him since.