Jesus will be disappointed next Tuesday.

We learned during the radio version of bible-dipping that the Lord will be returning to the general Nebraska area next Tuesday. Just so you know.

I just to don't see the Lord or Jen approving of the latest trend ripping through the Middle and probably the rest of the country. I know it's not just here in the Ha, because I know I have witnessed the baffling atrocity while driving on 94, so it can't be Ha/Bluffs specific. And I imagine that next weekend when I am trucking up 63 in Wisconsin I will see more - it seems Wisconsin appropriate...

Truck Nutz. That's right. I'm using a z because there is no other way.

For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, I will do my best to snap a photo today during my journey to the office. I can only hope that I get to choose the size and color of the Nutz that I have the joy of photographing.

Yeah.

What would make me especially happy is if I happen upon a vehicle with Truck Nutz in the parking lot of the Steak & Lube. I can't get my hopes up too much, but it could happen. And - I will dare to dream for a moment - what would be beyond fantastic is Truck Nutz on this fantastic Chevy that we passed on the way into the abyss of central Iowa - we saw this Chevy truck, one of those giant trucks and on the back gate(is that what it's called?) there was a beautiful silk screened picture of the same Chevy parked all bad-ass and sideways on the bluff of some cliff in the mountains of I'm guessing Montana or maybe Wyoming. It would be like having a picture of yourself framed on your wall and in the picture you were getting your picture taken. I don't know. I might have lost it there - but anyway, if that truck had Truck Nutz that would be great.

What?

Somewhere in Middle America there is a Horseshoe Casino. It’s a lovely establishment full of the usual Iowa/Nebraska-casino-going-types; which include a variety of combine drivers drinking beer in a can and millionaires blowing their money on icky women and craps…until last night. Last night we experienced the Asian Invasion.

At first, Jen and I kept smacking each other and we felt quite shamed by the fact that we pointed out the volume of Asians packed into this casino on a Sunday night in Iowa. We felt quite guilty until I just couldn’t stand it anymore so I asked one of the staffers – I asked what the happs were in The Roadhouse this evening that brought out such a crowd. That’s when the delightful little Vietnamese woman behind the counter squeeled ‘oh, it’s the Asian Invasion concert, Jiyn Duc Won is the headliner – he’s like the Justin Timberlake of Vietnam’.

Oh.

I still think my favorite part was the tall white guy in the middle of the sea of Asians with his bad haircut and bad suit. It was just bad.

And Jen got yelled at for peering in the window of the Roadhouse. It was wicked awesome.

Oh Yeah!

It isn’t often that I get to stray from the Marriott to stay at some interloper hotel, but every once an awhile I get to hit up one of the other lame corporate hotels. A Hilton, a Crown Plaza – if I’m very lucky – the Double Tree (which if you were in the Minneapolis part of the Middle you would know as the lesbian hotel.) But this time I was lucky. I was very lucky. I had the honor of staying in the Mecca of Entertainment in the Iowa/Nebraska area known as Council Bluffs, IA. At Harrah’s – Oh Yeah!

If I only had time to explain what the inside of a casino in Council Bluffs, IA is like. If only…..

I have just two things to report:

We had a delightful team dinner at the steakhouse on the top of Harrahs where we discussed new and fabulous ideas for New Years traditions, as well as the cock-blocking of McLovin (which was very sad.) Now, the 360 - as one might imagine when thinking of a restaurant on the top floor of a building - has panoramic views of both sides of the Missouri River, including the illustrious Downtown Omaha. Hot. I’m sorry – Oh Yeah! The food was exceptional just incase you are wondering. But ANYWAY the best part about the panoramic views from the 360 is that the building is 12 stories high. Yep. And it’s towering compared to everything else. That’s the height of the East Building at Riverside for those of you from Fairview. Sad. It’s their ‘skyscraper’ in the middle of that very, very big sky. Or perhaps the best part of our dinner was the fact that we were sitting in the 360 during a relativly intense storm in the middle of tornado alley. It was somewhat terrifying. I thank the makers of Grey Goose.

Jake – to answer your earlier inquiry – there is Oh Yeah 1-8 and they will take you pretty much anywhere you want to go – probably even the Bikini Bar. We were stuck in some stupid van. No Oh Yeah for us. F.

This is all I know. Or I have to finish my actual work now.

What part of our purchase warrented use of jelly?

McDonalds drive through. Louisville Kentucky. 845EST, Monday August 27th, 2007.

Greeted with hun by the drive through lady, offered jelly for use with sausage McMuffin. Or Diet Coke. Unclear as to what purpose jelly might serve.

Gross.

It Was In Middle America...

Sort of. Does Northern Wisconsin count as Middle America?

Once Ashley and I met a Murderer. A serial Murderer. Not a serial killer, a serial Murderer. They are more dangerous, trust me. We were on the ferry boat, headed to Madeline Island. We were drinking a beer, and we noticed the queer man in the car ahead of us. (not queer like Glee, queer like really f'ing weird.) He kept looking at us. He had funny glasses, and a lot of Gear in his car. I mean, really a lot of Gear for one queer man. So at first I was all "He wants our beer" but we soon smartened up (I thin kwe smacked ourselves in the head and said "Smarten up, Us!" and realized what he wanted was US. No, not like that. Like, he wanted to Murder us. In a bad way. That's what all the gear was for! Murder Gear! He brought all his Murder Gear on the ferry boat so that he could Murder us!

His name was Kevin. We didn't ask him that, because generally we don't speak to Murderers, but it was clear that his name was Kevin. You just had to look at him and his dumb glasses to know that his name was Kevin.

We made it off the boat alive...(I drove while sitting as far under the seat as I could..I didn't know what Murder tool he was going to use, it could have been a gun or a hook or something) and Ashley laid across the back seat with a blanket over her. Well, actually it wasn't a blanket because we are never that prepared, it was actually 24 used McDonald's napkins that she unfolded and spread across her body.

So we drove quickly to the house, parking under a cover of trees and foliage. That's right, foliage. We booked it into the house and discussed how lucky we were to be still alive.

Due to other topics of conversation such as the price of tea in China, the Summer Olympics, and midgets related to how Ashley hates Small Things, we soon forgot about the Murderer. We hid our ugly the best we could and proceeded out for the night. We were driving on South Shore Road listening to Montgomery Gentry or maybe it was "Krammit The Frog" when we saw a beam of light. It was getting larger and closer as we drove. (duh) Ashley screamed "IT'S KEVIN!!!!!" she was right! It WAS Kevin..on a bike! With a headlamp! And a bag of Murder tools in his bike basket! COMING TO MURDER US!! With his tools! Luckily he didn't see us. (he apparently isn't a Murderer with very good attention to detail.) We donned disguises...OK, they weren't disguises but we did put on sweatshirts...and tried to enjoy our night knowing that Kevin was waiting for us at the house with his Murder tools, because the last thing a girl wants is to let a Murderer ruin your last night alive.

We cautiously drove back to the house at the end of the evening. I suggested driving the vehicle INTO the house so that we wouldn't have to risk running all willy-nilly through the dark to the house. (and Lord knows I've done it before...) but we vetoed that idea when we remembered that my grandparents lived there, and even though they would be kind and understanding when they heard that we were simply protecting ourselves from a MURDERER, it would probably cost a lot to repair. So we were forced to run. We didn't do it willy-nilly style, though, we did it James Bond style, with the help of trees. Ashley started, holding her fake gun (because you kind of have to when you're playing James Bond Junior) and hid behind a tree. She looked left, looked right, motioned to me, and as I headed for that tree, she headed for the next one. We repeated this until we safely arrived at the front steps. There are a lot of trees up there, so this took 45 minutes.

After a thorough search of the house, we determined that Kevin must have built himself some sort of forest shelter, where he lays in wait and eats squirrels.

I think he's still there, because we have not seen him since.

Danger Zone is abso-fucking-lutely Kenny Loggins

We have a new role as road-warrior bloggers. Overheard in Corporate Hotel Bars.

There is Overheard in Minneapolis, LA, Chicago, NYC, Dallas, Atlanta....nothing specific to the hotel bar.

Yes, yes he was right. It is Kenny Loggins. We know this because we googled it. After sitting here for six hours we have googled many random things, this being one of them. But my God - the conviction that was present in his voice as he leaned back, loosened his tie - all while staring down the shirt of the annoying-voiced woman he is with - it was priceless.

All of these things. This is what I know...It is a sad, sorry state of affairs here in Nebraska.

We are currently re-writing the Counting Crows....

The chorus to 'Omaha' is now 'Somewhere in Murder America' but we have to figure out the rest of the versus.

This just isn't getting old. You would understand if you were sitting here in the hotel bar after eating at two - count them - two country clubs in one day. Yep, Jen, Ashley, our dining companions and the Blue Haireds. It was wicked awesome.

But the point of this post is that we forgot to mention that we are rolling in a Kia Amanti. Yep, silver, big wheels.....we are awesome. It's not murdered out like the Pinto on Rob&Big but it has potential. It's a wannabe Lincoln Town Car. I have a hard time parking it even though I have parked my Mummy's LTC many times without issue.

It almost didn't start this morning. This is why it is related to the potential for murder. We can't decide if it is most likely something that you are a killa in or if it's something you get murdered in. Because if you are in it and you are in one of the places murder happen and the car with 5000 miles on it doesn't start, well, you're kinda screwed. But the other potential is for drive by shootings. We think. But we don't really know because we are from Woodbury.

When Murderz Happen

I can't believe this never occured to any of us before. This blog will be dedicated to the sad, sorry state of affairs that take place during our travels to Lord knows where - usually, sadly, Middle America.

So Jen & I are here in our Marriott in Middle America about to have a steak with our cocktails. Since we landed we have been pondering this - when does murder happen in Murderha? Apparently it's been a banner month for the killaz around here. This is what we know:

1. The DO NOT happen at Fun.

2. They do happen at the 49er. (I have to qualify this statement. The local we spoke with indicated that they DO NOT happen at the 49er. But you CAN get a lap dance from a fully clothed woman wearing a Wranglers and legwarmers. And flannel shirt. In the summer. For three dollars.)

3. They happen at 3am. (We know this because we were told by the locals. That's when the unsavory characters are lurking about. Like the streetwalkers. )

4. They happen when it's hot.

5. When they are making the meth.

6. They DO NOT happen at gas stations by the airport. But you CAN score a joint from the 17 year olds working the counter.

7. They DO NOT happen at the Party Bar, but there may be some swapping of the hi-five.

8. They do happen in the Porn Repository.

This is what we know so far. We will let you know if we identify any more opportunity. It's out there.

I can feel it coming in the air tonight....

Ok, that was just bad.